I’ve sat here now for hours, a blank document in front of me as I numbed the echoes of procrastination with episodes of suits. But right this moment I should be writing the two essay’s I have due tomorrow and haven’t. I’m not saying this to sound relatable, although I know for hundred of students across the world this is something they are probably doing right now too, but I genuinely haven’t started writing up either of them. Sure, i’ve maybe done a little bit of research on the topic and looked over the topic to ensure myself that I didn’t need a ridiculous amount of time to complete them. But for the last 5 weeks I’ve been pushing them further away in my mind, my head telling itself that It’s fine- that I can manage it last minute because that’s what I always do.
Like most things I do in my life I pushed it away and in a few hours it’s going to hit me in the face and the oh-so familiar wave of stress and daunting anxiety is going to hit. I will welcome it with reluctant arms because I knew it was approaching, but doesn’t mean I wont spend at least an hour telling myself it’ll never happen again. But usually I would, I would find any excuse to put something off due next week even though I know that I can’t possibly juggle the two classes, netball game and work that I also have to accomplish tomorrow.
I put everything off and then expect miracles of myself to pull it out of the bag, last year for splendour I was 20kg over the weight I wanted to be and had 3 months of telling myself I needed to start- needed to make and effort. But instead I found myself, a week for the festival, angry at myself because I had to buy clothes I didn’t want, angry because I was going to have to go out and be incredibly uncomfortable with myself on a weekend that was meant to be an escape from things. I forced myself, spoke to myself for a whole day saying I had to lose the weight in that week. But the next morning I woke up and said: ‘ Well you aren’t going to lose enough in this week so don’t even worry about it’ and I didn’t. I spent that whole weekend feeling as if eyes were on the fat girl walking around with her hot friend (who is stick thin and gorgeous), watched as all the boys wanted her attention, and watched as she was so carefree. A type of carefree that I can’t even fathom. I’m always feeling peoples eyes on my, worrying about the way my clothes are falling on me, worrying that i’m sweating too much, worried that If I drink i’ll become even more of a hot mess.
I’m facing the same situation this year, I just bought my splendour tickets and I way 5 more kilos than I did then. Crap. At two different times this week I’ve sat down and planned out a way that I could lose the weight before then, or at least some of the weight. But that’s all I ever do, plan it out and then push it off and although it’s never really out of my mind I manage to distract my subconscious with other mindless things.
But it’s never going to happen again. This blog, this post, is a promise to myself- that everything is going to change. Because it isn’t just my uni work that I procrastinate, it’s nearly every aspect of my life as well. I put off losing all the weight I put on after a bad break up, I push away working on myself, I ignore needed to make up my mind on what I want to accomplish with my life and until very recently I pushed off my own mental health.
Those aren’t things that I’m going to go into detail on today, because we all know they are topics laced with so many expectations, stress, challenges and taboo that a novel probably couldn’t even do them justice. But I will say that after finally accepting my ‘issues’ (I say with complete sarcasm because mental health is never your own issue, the issue is just a product of people’s ignorance) I am working to finally sort my shit out.
Name a part of my life and I can almost guarantee you that I am unsure about it, I’m unsure what I want to be, I’m unsure what I want to study (this coming from a second year uni student), I’m unsure of what it is I need to do to lose my weight, what I need to do to maintain better relationships (with friends and family, boyfriends are the last thing on my mind), what it is that I’m actually good at, I don’t even know If I really know who I am as a person. But you know what? I’m only 18, and despite the enormous pressure that people love to put on your shoulders from a young age (and actually, we put on our own shoulders without even realising), I have so much time to figure all that out. It would be nice, obviously, to figure it all out (like yesterday) but how boring would it be to have all the answers whilst still only a teenager.
I’ve learnt that I can’t just focus on the negatives, as easy as it is, because there are some things that I’m sure about. Like I know that reading makes me happy, as does Netball (GO FIREBIRDS), I know that I’m really good at card games and have excellent hair and I can probably read a book faster than anyone can read five, I know that I care so deeply about people and if my struggle or my words can stir something up in just one other person that I will have achieved what I want to do, I know that ever since I was born I wanted to make a difference. I remind myself daily that the negatives are the easiest to recognise and that talking about how great you are is something seen as cocky or arrogant. But the little things, the positives, that make you who you re need to be harnessed along with the negatives instead of pushed aside. I’ve learnt that the strongest people I know acknowledge every part of themselves and use it to get better. So that’s what this is.
I’m not an expert in life coaching or life philosophy so everything I’m saying is coming from my own – slightly confusing- mind. I haven’t even finished taking the first step to trying to master my life, so things I may think now might change by the time I even write my next post. But I know that I’m done with the way I used to act, I will no longer think it’s acceptable to just let my life pass me by. I need to seize every single moment of my young life.
This is only a slice of what is to come, it’s the promise to myself that I’m done procreating my life and it’s time for me to do something worthwhile. Gone are the days where I will just lay in bed watching Netflix, I solemnly swear (I’m up to no good) that this is the first day of the rest of my life and I hope that you can join me for this journey.
I’m going to leave you with my favourite quote: She was tired of the world, so she created her own.